Anthony Trimarco

Porcelain Fountain of Youth

Exlegra, a revolutionary new drug not yet approved by the FDA, is now in phase III clinical trials. It has hit the overseas market: speculation of marketing angles and advertisement texts, like this one, may be put out by a major advertising firm- most likely addressing the elderly community.

Live life to the fullest again. Play with the grandkids all day without worrying about accidents associated with bowel discomfort. Get the $4.99 early bird special at Dennyís without leaving your table for the bathroom. You will never have inconsistent stool again with Exlegra. Donít miss a call of bingo at the VFW hall. It is proven effective against the common disorders of the aging generations, clinically known as extretmentus splaturus. Now, Florence wonít beat you to your favorite seat during arts and crafts hour, and you can finish you needlepoint coasters.

Exlegra is an effective laxative that contains natural long grass --a unique ingredient that combats your worst bowel movements: intestinal and colon pain, gas, bloating, and poor assimilation of dairy products. Exlegra also contains extract of dung beetle and hummingbird that are known for medicinal qualities in uncivilized parts of the Amazon Basin. Best of all you can still enjoy your favorite foods like custard, Polident, and prunes.

Data from the clinical trials show that Exlegra is tolerated well with most patients. While taking Exlegra, some patients have adverse reactions to multivitamins, as well as certain types of orange drinks; i.e. Metamucil. Celery is not advised to be part of the diet while using Exlegra, may cause oily discharge, as well as a heart attack (15% of cases). Exlegra will definitely cause high blood pressure, in the majority of older men, with bowel discomfort. Do not eat peanut butter while using Exlegra as it may cause double vision. Pinching the cheeks of adorable five year olds is not advised, due to the high risk of muscle strain on any night with a high tide. Some patients died instantaneously when orally consuming this medication (35% of cases with Exlegra). Do not use a walker while on Exlegra, due to the chance of falling and not being able to get up due to bowel discomfort. Exlegra should be taken with meals, but not with any more than one saltine and water. Jay walking is not advised while under the influence with Exlegra. Users report a Blood Alcohol Content level of .25 or higher while using Exlegra (60% of cases). Patients should not operate heavy machinery, including microwaves and blenders while on the prescription. However the most commonly reported side effect is gastrointestinal discomfort and bowel movement pain (100% of cases with Exlegra). Other side effects reported in the studies include constipation (75% of cases with Exlerga). This drug is not intended for use with patients 55 years and older.

Benefit from a longer life, enjoy your retirement, and reclaim your youth with Exlegra.